TuxedChicken's art Reviews on Newgrounds

[Lester Holt]

This made me laugh very hard when I first saw it on Twitter, so I'd consider it warranting of a favorite; however, I also feel compelled to be the pasty autist who points out the bright red scalene triangle on his left cheekbone.

JohnnyUtah responds:

SHIT

[hey guis it is me teh real jon jafaro]

It was a hot and arid summer evening; I wrung my bare toes in the grass and relinquished my feet's grip each time I managed to successfully pluck a blade or two from its binding. I stood there in my thin office shirt and striped tie with an unusually baggy pair of black standard office pants beginning feel antsy as I witnessed people collecting behind me and slowly began to realize that what I'd originally preconceived to be an uneventful bout of respite in comparison to my hectic lifestyle as an entrepreneur was soon to become a quarrel unlike any I'd ever endured throughout the course of my life. It wasn't necessarily my direct inclination at that exact moment; I would have vacated the line and returned to my 1983 Cadillac Deville 4 Door Sedan if I'd a clear premonition toward the events that were soon to unfold lingering in my mind, but the notion of any mishaps was more of a vague afterthought that I'd dismissed.

I decided that a curt colloquy with the other patrons of the evening may placate my nerves and allow for a more thorough enjoyment of the evening, so I inched my way behind the man in front of me wearing a purple turtle neck and a thin black pair of khakis. "Hello," I said. The man even bother to move his torso in my direction as he awkwardly affixed his gaze (at least peripherally) to my figure from the side view he had created by twisting his neck toward my position; he scowled as he retorted "Yeah, don't even think about asking if you can cut, buddy." While I'm usually not one to throw basic etiquette to the wind while indulging in an afternoon at play, I felt it was imperative that I keep our interaction going. "Cut, huh? What kind of cut? I suppose you could say that I'm a fairly clean cut fellow," I said. The man turned his entire body a full 360 degrees and clenched his fists as he incredulously replied "Excuse me?" The man had a lantern jaw and a five o' clock shadow beard across the frog-esque double chin that adorned his face; he had a pocket protector with a clump at the bottom formed by the multitude of Olive Garden mints and complimentary restaurant lollipops (predominately blue raspberry flavored Dumbo brand ones contending from what I could see protruding from the opening at the top) to which he had used to inundate the entire carrier on his right sagging man breast. At this point, I really should have been able to extrapolate that continuing to address the situation with flippant remarks would have severe repercussions, but I was in an unusually facetious mood and decided to adhere to my attitude as I saw fit; I still ultimately felt that I was preventing a far more calamitous event from transpiring. "I'm cut out for any type of cutlery," I said.

The incensed man grabbed me by my striped tie, maneuvered himself into javelin throwing position and tossed me over the entire line as though I were a flying squirrel. The grass was a blurry mesh of vomitous shadows as I hurdled toward my fate; a few valiant customers of the evening attempted to catch me prior to my arrival, but to no avail. I managed to slide over the exiguous lot of negative space formed between the cashier and the tarp overhead into the set of bottles adorned by large, colored plastic rings. I shattered the bottles with my damn ass and the blood allowed me to slide into a nearby mud puddle with great ease. As I lie there in the greatest agony I've ever experienced in my life, the cashier approached and stated "that'll be $3.50."

[Have a Heart pinup]

Tasty tasty tasty. Your style is like Ren and Stimpy meets Sailor Moon these days.

[Super dog (sticker)]

What happened to her left butt cheek and her right face cheek? I'm about to go Peta on the perpetrator(s).

[Gekko Strut]

I'm not familiar with the source material, but this is tasty work as per usual. The detail in your vector art and resourceful use of tweens in your sequential art really fills the Stamper shaped hole in most NG lurkers' hearts.